Assessing the inassessible (unknowable)

After reading the last Article on wearing masks (Pretentiousness), my friend Bhavita called to ask if I had seen the movie ‘Tamasha.’ I saw it and loved it. It showed the frustration of living a life divorced from our inherent nature (Swabhav). The hero (Ranbir) wears a mask of being a gentleman, living a mechanical life ordained by the father, worthy of being approved by the society (corporate job, good manners, ideal behaviour). He wakes up when the girl (Deepika) rejects him for not being his real self (mad, lover of nature, intensely romantic). He does not live a life of his dreams, since it does not have the approval of the worldly wise (who wore the mask long before COVID).

Another friend asked if it is wrong to judge someone in a relationship. In our Vedanta class, it is often suggested that we need to assess, not judge others. Judging is deciding that the other is right, wrong, so stupid, so stingy, so this, so that. We put our self as a standard (ideal) for comparing, and anybody who is not within 5% of this ‘ideal’ me is weird. Nobody feels that this ‘ideal me’ may also be weird himself. I have a green T- shirt on which it is inscribed – “This T-shirt turns green in the company of morons.” This is judging – sitting on a pulpit and pronouncing (one’s own arrogance).

But assessing is different and necessary. Without a proper assessment, we will not have correct expectations. And when they are not met, we will be disappointed, stressed, blamed, disputed, divorced. To serve the other better, it is necessary to know or assess her properly so that I press all the right buttons, not press the wrong triggers which turns her off. When we say or feel – “How can she do this, say this, not do that, etc.,” it only means that we did not assess properly. We never made “laws of human nature” a field of our study. If we had done, we would realise that each person’s nature is individualistic to that person. No two individuals are really alike, and each person will helplessly manifest his own conditioning, his own tendencies (samskars), not what he/she promised while dating. Later when the samskars and the promise conflict, the samskars will win hands-down. So do not expect reliability and consistency, since we are all influenced by the situation/provocation/temptations. So a part of our correct assessment (based on the above) should refrain us from asking or saying, “But you had said this/that earlier and now what has happened to you?” We need to relate to each person at his/her changing level through appropriate assessment. And be ready and humble to know that we cannot really assess anyone fully and say ever that now I know you fully. We have to assess to serve them better, give them rational concessions, and not feel let-down when they cannot fulfil their promises. We assess to love and serve them, not to judge them, not to hold them responsible for their lapses. Do we really love them when we expect from them what they cannot deliver? Think.

If you think after reading the above, "All this is fine, but what about Me," then in love, there is no room for me. Kabirji says this beautifully, "The lane of love is too narrow to accommodate two. When 'I' was there, no place for 'you.' And when 'you' came in, 'I' (ego) cannot remain."

With an aspiration that we will all change not just our calendars n diaries today, happy new year to you all.