Maalik OR Maali

When Meerabai was pressurized by her family to fulfill the duties of a daughter-in-law and forego her spiritual pursuits, she was torn in between the two paths. Unable to decide, she wrote a letter to her contemporary Saint Tulsidasji for guidance. He replied that “Those who have no love for Ram and Seeta (Divinity in any form) are not your relatives anyways, and there need to be no hesitation in distancing yourself from anyone who obstructs your spiritual journey, and divine quest.” The spiritual growth C/F to the next Janmas, while our parents, spouse, children change in each birth. Thus, they are ‘relative’ (pun intended).

 In this context, can any parent ever say or think that their son/daughter is ‘My child.’ Do they own the child (Maalik) or they are just caretakers (Maali)? Do they really have the jurisdiction to decide the destinies of their children against their children's wishes or nature (Swabhav)? Can they force the children to decide their careers or profession or marriage time which might enhance the children's standard of living and yet compromise their standard or state of life itself? The parent's intentions may be good, but their pressure is immoral. And the worse form of that immorality is when they try to and (sadly) succeed in thwarting their son or daughter’s spiritual call as that may somewhere endanger their own security in old age. But they choose to veil this by invoking the guilt-complex in their child by saying, “We did so much…” They fail to realize that by saying this, they are unconsciously admitting that their care/love was just an investment. Perhaps, a spiritually evolved child will take much greater care of his parents. This they know not.

Sadly, I know of two of my married ex-students who are on the verge of an emotional breakdown and divorce. In both cases, the parents pressurized them into a marriage just because they had crossed the so-called viable age of marriage. Due to this pressure, the girls did not give enough time and mind in knowing their prospective husbands. They were fed-up with the pressure at home and therefore gave in to the surface – level criteria like good-looks of the guy, feel good talking to him, he is well – placed, humorous, understands me well. Now all this will be good only in the initial stages of any proposal. All the concessions granted by the boys then, that the girls can pursue their jobs (in one case) or spiritual interests (in 2nd case) as they wish turned out to shallow after a few months of the marriage when the initial attraction waned. “You can do what you wish after marriage” was not adhered to in all its sincerity. There was severe conflict of interests and breach of trust.. The worst thing that happened was that the girl’s father (in one case) squarely blamed the daughter for not judging or assessing the boy fully, when it was he who had pressurized her to decide fast and not take too much time. Since I know the father well, I spoke to him to at least not blame the daughter. And you know what he said, “Arre Anjan, all this is a part of the Divine plan.” WOW, this is so convenient. Do what you want and then justify the lack of discernment in action by saying ‘Divine-will.’ This is ‘Devil quoting the Bible.’  Best effort must precede surrender . Do your best and then leave the rest .

  

I remember writing in one of my past articles titled ‘On Marrying’ (it is on the blog) that most of the marriages done today are child – marriages, since both the bride and bridegroom have little clue of what they are getting into. We are beggars expecting and demanding from each other what we both don’t possess (LOVE). But these children entering marriage remain children even when they get their children married. We grow old, but we don’t grow up. As my Guru Haribhai observed, “We don’t live for 90/100 years, we live just 1-year 90/100 times.”  I bow down in salutation to the countable few who choose to be an exception to the above.